All or nothing...that's how it is with emotions. You can't just feel one and not the others....It's all of them or none of them. You also can't half love or half hate...it's all or nothing.
I used to feel nothing, no real love, no real hate, no real sadness and no real joy. I loved it as much as one who cannot love could ever love a thing, with appreciation and with the satisfaction of knowing I was in control.
At age 15, I had made a vow to myself. I had realised that feelings and caring about people involved a risk to ones own self. After suffering at the luck of the draw, having family hurt me just because I wanted them to love me, I realised it was better not gambling. You see, if you don't let people close enough to care about them, then they can't hurt you. So, I made a pact with myself, I would never feel again, and I would never cry again. It worked. My life was content. I only broke my no-crying rule on my 18th birthday. I just thought I deserved a cry afte three years. After that night I resumed keeping my promise to protect myself.
This promise was well kept until after I completed my undergraduate studies at 21. He tried for two years unseuccessfully to break down my defenses. I weighed my options and decided to give love a chance. That was my first mistake.
I'm learning now it's not possible to select the emotions I feel. You let in one, you let in all. Is it worth it feeling love when with it comes doubt, sadness, distrust and an unexplained aching within?
Another lesson, I can't help crying when i'm sad, frustrated or watch a particularly touching movie. So, with the emotions has returned my tendency to wear my feelings on my sleeve and to express those feelings outwardly, especially with tears.
They say it's better to have loved and lossed than to have never loved at all. But is it? Is it really better to feel the pain that can come with love than to blissfully go about not knowing what love feels like and, by extension, what it feels like to be burned by love?
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2 comments:
Love is what makes us human! I too hate showing emotion though. I put on this act with everyone that I'm as tough as a rock, that I never cry. The first time my bf saw me cry he was shocked! He was like, "I thought you didnt do that":P
Now, I cry more easily than I did growing up. After the shooting that happened at my school in 2006, I became more emotional, sadly. I'm still struggling with the whole leaning on someone thing as opposed to standing strong on my own...all in due time I guess.
All this to say that love is beautiful, and should be embraced, even though sometimes it comes with sadness!
You know what I've realised though, when you act tough, people mistake it for coldness or callousness, when you really are just afraid. That usually leads to you being hurt, so i do realise that sometimes vulnerability is a good thing...if i could just get myself to let go and love freely.
Sorry to hear about your traumatic experience at your school, and thanks for visiting my blog and commenting
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